Narcissism in Parents and Impact on Kids

I want to revisit a topic because I have been seeing a lot lately. Narcissism in parents. It has a very deep impact on children and their growth. It can shatter self-esteem and make people feel used and manipulated. However, there comes a point where child realizes it. Narcissism in parents can manifest in many ways. Some of the most common ones are: have a grandiose sense of self, needing constant admiration and no criticism, take advantage of others, etc…Outwardly, they may appear confident, arrogant. But for people who live with them, they know there is a very fragile ego underneath it. Whenever people with narcissism are challenged, they get impatient, angry, lash out and turn abusive when it is challenged. They are not receptive to any type of criticism. Children of a narcissistic parent tend to first want to please the parent, do anything to gain their approval because the love is very conditional on the terms set by the parent. However, after a while, they realize that they can never fully gain that approval. The parent will always find something to criticize, to demean. There isn’t a point where the parent would feel 100% satisfied with their kid, which means they often withdraw their love or become abusive, specifically when they are challenged.

As adults, the children may still want to please their parent(s), may still feel guilty to resist them even if the demands are too much, like that parent choosing their partner, choosing their career, where they live, etc…In fact, the narcissistic parent relies on that guilt. However, there comes a point where we need to set those boundaries. No matter what! The parent may lash out, get impatient, angry, but that reinforcement that the child gives the parent would need to stop. This helps show the parent that their behaviour won’t be reinforced. The initial is extremely hard. The parent will literally try every tactic to get that power back. They fed on it and it provided their ego boost. To have it suddenly gone is something they cannot imagine. Therefore, the removal of those reinforcements becomes critical. This is specifically true if the child starts living away from home or abroad. They can start to dictate when they want to engage with the parent and cut off the conversation when it turns too abusive. It can be hard to completely cut off a parent. But creating these boundaries and starting to live life on your own terms can help a lot with staying in touch with the parent without letting them cross those boundaries. Given the deep psychological torment that children of narcissistic parents went through, it is crucial to go to therapy to solve it and get better. There can be a lot to untangle, but please know that there are solutions and you can unlearn so many of those behaviours you grew up with and live a very happy life.